Redemptive suffering

My interstitial cystitis is officially back. I’ve had two flares and we’ve been navigating that carefully.

I have to be careful not to fall into the trap of self pity and it’s so hard.

I’ve tried offering it up, and sometimes that helps, but so far this is the easy time.  The IC isn’t at the worst pain of my life stage (which is really saying something, if you figure out how often I am in pain).  Right now, we’ve been fortunate that the flares have come at times were G has been home, to help take care of the Bean.

I passed blood clots last flare but not big ones.  Previously, I’ve passed clots the size of dimes out of my urethra.  Right now I’m okay, and I’m praying that when it comes to the point of where the pain is bad, that i can continue to offer up the pain.  It’s just the struggle to offer it up, and not be mad at the situation.   If things stay true to course, I should be okay this month, and expect another flare in December.

My husband has been great about it.  The stress of the house and everything makes the IC flare worse.  My daughter doesn’t understand why it takes Mommy so long to pee.

I had the option of undergoing a surgery to hydro-distend my bladder, and I’ve had success with that procedure, but trying to get an actual estimate of the costs has been hard and nerve wracking.  Again, nerves make the IC flares worse.  The insurance company makes it sound like it will only cost us $100 plus 30% of materials, but we are afraid that if we have the surgery and then get a huge bill, we will be sunk.

So until that house sells, I’m trying to hold out for the hydro.  I told my husband, I could handle the pain for now, but when I need support, I’m going to need support.  Help holding my head up, and help not feeling sorry for myself.

So, I need to remind myself to offer it up, not to take it personal and internalize it so it eats away at me.  I’ll be happy to pray for all of you.  Well, I don’t know about happy but I’m willing to try.

I need something to help get through this.

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