This was not fun.

After 3 1/2 years of infertility, we decided to get G tested.  Dr. Hickner didn’t think G was an issue because G had “conceived at least two children”.  By that logic, I had conceived at least two children too.  The PPVI prescribed the test and we had to find a place that would actually do the test in the Catholic licit way.

What. A. Headache.

The licit way is brutal.  Since masturbation is frowned upon in the Catholic church, the option was to do it within the marital act.  Using a condom.  With holes poked it in.  Doesn’t sound too complicated, right?

Step one:  Finding a lab.

Find a place that will accept a sample carried in.

Narrowing down places that we could get to in 30 minutes was fun.  The sample had to be accepted within 30 minutes of collection.  So, you had to find a lab that was within 15 minutes, and wham bam thank you ma’am, somebody has to rush our to take the condom full of semen down to a lab.

Calling around 6 places in the area which will accept a condom full of semen is also fun.  Embarrassing.  Fun.  Explaining how you intend do the test.  Also fun.  Explaining why Catholics have to do it that way.  Loads of fun.

Step two:  Finding the materials.

Some labs provided the materials.  Some labs did not.  So the lab’s that didn’t provide a kit, we had to…

Obtain the condom, which cannot have spermicides, additives, lubricants, etc.  Also, in my case, must be latex free.  In some kits, obtain a sterile needle to poke holes in the condom.  Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 9.39.27 PMMale FactorPak.

Fortunately, somebody volunteered to mail me an unused kit.  Score one for infertility networking.  Of course, after we got the kit, we found the lab that provided the kit.  Though, everybody told us it was a good idea to have more than one condom on hand, in case something happened to the first one.

Step three:  Schedule the darn thing.

Scheduling sex while infertile is always sort of an issue because you ‘want’ to have intercourse on the most fertile day.  Sometimes two or three days in a row.  Love making should be a want thing, not an obligation to use the days because there is mucus present. When you are IF, you don’t always have that luxury, when injecting yourself with $1300 worth of follicle stimulating hormones, you really want to try and use the days or miss it.

I had told my husband “it’s really hard to try and procreate with you, when I am on hormones that make me want to throttle you”.  Way to spice the up romance!  This is why we have enjoyed not charting our intercourse, and not being on FSH drugs.

Anyway.  We had to abstain for 3 days but no longer than 5 days.  So that meant, we had to ‘schedule’ intercourse to fit into that timeline.  “Let’s have sex on Tuesday, so we can have sex on Friday morning, because if we don’t have sex by Friday, we might be having to use a condom on a fertile day, and we don’t want any goalies on the field during a fertile day.”

Always a good way to schedule romance. “Lets schedule the SA intake appointment at 8:30 so we can have sex around 8:00 that way G can still have time to shower, and haul his sample to the lab.  Or, no, let’s schedule it for 7:00 so we can make it there by 7:30, but then you hit the traffic there at 7:30 and then you might be late.”  Etc.

Schedule the appointment the first time, forget about it, have spontaneous love making that made us have to reschedule the test.

Second appointment, get it done.  It felt like a hit and run.  Mechanical, no fun.  It’s hard to believe that this was a licit way, when it didn’t feel good at all.

Then we had to wait, and wait and wait for the results.

The lab wouldn’t tell us the results, and it kept telling us that they had sent the results to PPVI.  PPVI kept saying they hadn’t gotten them.

.Screen Shot 2015-10-04 at 9.40.33 PM


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