Monthly Archives: March 2015

I’m not angry

I love music, especially music that has allegories in it.  Music that at the surface says one thing, but digging deeper, into yourself, means another thing entirely.  Music that has multiple meanings.

I love Matchbox 20 music.  I used to listen to it a lot because there always seemed to be a song that fit my mood when I was confused, rage-y, (which is a common term around IF and hormonally imbalanced circles) and sad.  It was good road trip music too.  Songs that you could sing at the top of your lungs to keep you awake.  I recently downloaded a couple of MB20s albums back on my iPhone because I had a long drive ahead of me and radio reception wasn’t very good.

When my period started, I told people that I wasn’t sad, just relieved to ‘just know’ that I wasn’t pregnant.  I likened it to “Well, I missed the basket, but now I can go for another shot”.

Then I had the iPhone on shuffle while I cleaned and this song came on.

“Angry”
So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache, you’re hanging on the memory, you need most, you still want love. love’s ugly, smooth and delicate, but not without affection, no not alone

And instead of wishing that it would get better, Man, you’re seeing that you just get angrier

To me, the singer, is talking to somebody else about their anger, not himself.  

And it’s good that I’m not angry, Well I need to get over, I’m not angry, anymore

Look at me!  I’m not angry, see how happy I am that I am not angry!  

Cry when you cry, run when you run, Love when you love, Represent the ashes

That you leave behind

And instead of wishing that the road had shoulder Man you’re seeing that you’re sinking over time

Put all of yourself in your action.  Don’t hold yourself back, but look at the growth you’ve made.  Show people your growth.

And it’s good that I’m not angry, Well I need to get over, I’m not angry

It’s dragging me under, I’m not angry, I’m not angry it’s never been enough

It gets inside and it tears you up, I’m not angry but I’ve never been above it

You see through me don’t you

This is where the singer admits he’s a bit of a farce.  Look at all the damage you are doing to yourself!  See how well I am doing because I’m not angry!  You see through me don’t you?  You see that I’m still angry.  A little bit angry, a lot angry, just angry.  

The rest of the song says that indeed the anger is driving him under, but still trying to deny the anger.

If we went back to the beginning of the song, I feel like my pregnancy with the Bean is a memory, and a fuzzy one.  I feel a visceral need to have that memory again.  A do over.  With Isaac, it was over and done with so quick. It’s why I’ve hung on to much to TimeHop, where I’ve gotten to see snapshots of my pregnancy.  The mother in me, looks back on them with nostalgia, with happiness.  The Infertile in me, looks back in sadness that I may not experience that again.  The mix that is me, says “Dang it!  Why did you complain about that?!  Why didn’t you relish that?!  Why didn’t you record more of this?!  I’m hanging on to that memory!

In my anger, I know I’ve grown.  I know I’ve put myself into things with all I have, I also know I haven’t put myself completely into everything.  It’s a self growth thing, yes, but it’s anger.  Who am I angry with?

God?

My husband?

Doctors?

The church that limits my options?

Myself.

Myself is a broad term.  The things I did to my body when I was younger, that may have caused long term damage.  The body that on its own is just weak, and that makes me angry, but only sometimes.  Sometimes it just makes me depressed.

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Moving on, but maybe not up

I met with a new doctor in December and then in January decided we were going to go ahead and do some testing.   I was having a late peak and was nervous about missing my PIO shots.  I finally identified a peak and my period started 3 days later, which is very short luteal phase.   The PIO helps my moods a lot and keeps me from being especially PMS-ragey.  I had also been having some sort of bleeding every 2 week, which was wrecking havoc on our sex life.

I had issues with the doctor returning messages and grew angry when the doctor didn’t return phone calls or emails.  When I called the ask why I hadn’t heard back, the nurse cheerfully told me that he had been busy with all the new babies he had to deliver.

It felt like a punch in the gut.  So, no time for the infertile one?  My head keeps messing with me because logically, I know that I should be happy for these women and if I were (Lord willing) in their position, that I would want my doctor to pay attention to me.

I had waited for this doctor because he came highly recommended, and was just starting a new practice.  The bugs weren’t worked out in their system and I was victim to some of their bugs.  I cursed, I cried, I was angry, because it seems to be a reoccurring theme here.  When ever I am having an issue, somebody else is also having a bigger issue.  Adding to my “I am secondary” title.

Eventually, he squeezed me in for some ultrasounds, they did some basic blood work and follicle scans.  He was optimistic that I would conceive because my follicles looked good and healthy and there was slight evidence of rupture.  Another ultrasound would have confirmed it but the day before I was supposed to drive to the appointment, my daughter woke up after vomiting phlegm and had a restless night afterward.  So I canceled, not sure if this was going to turn into a bug or if she would be sick on the drive up there.  I didn’t want to expose her to any pregnant ladies up there, and I am a sympathy puker so if she did throw up, I would likely be right behind her.

So I didn’t have confirmation that i had actually ovulated, and as each day went by, my confidence that we had conceived was less and less, but my breasts started to become very tender.  My LP was two days longer than usual and one day where I could define it late, but there was still no positive pregnancy test and my period did show up.

I emailed him asking for more blood work, and to see what the plan was.   I haven’t heard back from him but plan to call them after lunch and say “Hey, I have an email waiting for him in the portal, just wanted to see where we stood on that.”

I’m a little upset that I canceled that appointment for the follow up scan, but not upset at my daughter for it.  Just the timing of it all.  Timing is so important for fertility and we just don’t have that down.  It’s frustrating but I know there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it.